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Why do I have to stand in line to argue to get my money from my bank? I use more than one bank, because I have a major problem with paying non-customer-related additional fees at ATMs. There are some banks that don't charge you for your ATM use, so I decided to consolidate some of my institutions, and walked into Wells Fargo to close my account – in essence, to ask to use all of my money.
I was ushered to a large desk in a small room of glass walls, where I was later met by a woman her hair pulled back so tight it looked as though her head had been threaded through the eye of a needle. Her facial muscles held a pained expression in place until she sat down in her big leather chair behind her big desk in her small room, cautiously folded her fingers, looked at me intently and audibly cracked a smile. I mean I could hear the ripping of facial tissue as the upper row of her teeth forced themselves into the open air.
“Mr. Blair, I’m Ms. Penniworth. I would like to find out if there is a problem with your account, or with our service.”
“No problem, really. I would just like to have my money now, thanks.”
“What do you need it for?”
This gave me pause. I felt 16 years old, asking my mom for the keys to her car. Are you kidding? What do I need MY MONEY for? It’s my money, isn’t it? “I’d just like to have it, please.”
“Mr. Blair," she cleared her throat and continued to bare her teeth, "Are you aware of the advantages of taking a loan as a Wells Fargo customer?”
"Umm... if I hold onto your money, I don't have to give it back either?"
Blank stare from her. She seemed to be in her mid-thirties, and, despite a serious pucker factor and wardrobe choices by Barbara Bush I tried to imagine for a moment that if she let down her hair, kinda shook it out a bit, took off those horn-rimmed glasses and maybe put on a little lipstick, she might actually be kinda hot.
Nope.
"By taking a loan with us, or perhaps a second mortgage--"
"I don't have a first mortgage with you."
"Splendid, because right now we're offering exceptionally low rates on--"
"I rent."
"That doesn't matter." From behind a computer monitor she pored over my entire worth in the eyes of Wells Fargo, "How much did you say you wanted to borrow?"
"About $7,100."
"Heh," she started to laugh -- finance humor, I guess, "It just so happens that is the exact amount you have in your account with us."
"RIGHT."
"Well then," crack, ripppp, "This shouldn't be hard to process at all, seeing as you've been a loyal customer and you have the current fluidity to back the loan,"
“I don’t need a loan. I have my own money. Well, YOU have my money.”
She furled her eyebrow in confusion, “But if you take a loan you wouldn’t need to close your account with us.” Which, I'm sure made perfect sense to her.
“Oh no no no no no, darlin': I WANT to close my account with you.”
