Holly, Jolly, Jiggly

I really am trying to lose weight. I used to think that it was solely up to me whether or not Jane and I got married, but now, as they say in poker, I have "no hand."

A friend told me something unnerving recently: She said that, even though I've gained much weight ("a preposterous amount of weight," I believe was her terminology), my disposition has been far cheerier than since she's known me. She put forth the suggestion that overeating may be making me happy. She also politely asked that I don't diet, because she actually enjoys being around me now. She is a kind, honest, straightforward person, so I took the words into careful consideration, tenderly wrapped my arm around her shoulder, gave a light squeeze, and told her to fuck off. I mean, the nerve! How could she be so calloused when I'm only days away from losing sight of my wee-wee when sitting.

Maybe she's right, though. I used to be pretty cranky. Now I'm just jiggly. Perhaps I've subconsciously decided to be Santa Claus this Christmas. Maybe I'm just destined to be a big, jolly fat guy! There's no shame in that, right? Everyone loves the jolly fat guy at the party. I can develop a hearty laugh, rosy cheeks and nose, and become a connoisseur of fine foods and wines. I'll throw fabulous parties for no reason and people will all want me at their holiday functions because I'll light up the room when I walk in and I'll always bring the best champagne. I'll dress humorously ostentatiously and say charming, witty things that make people feel good about themselves and life. I will tell fascinating tales of my travels abroad and of the faux pas of the upper crust with whom I hobnob. Men and women alike will hang on my every word and think of me as a lifelong friend only moments after they have made my acquaintance. Every party's success will be gauged by whether or not I attended. People will fly me to their estates for weekends of mimosas and croquet and everyone will think I'm some sort of Duke or Baron, though I will not have started the rumor. Baron von Blair. Hmm... has a nice ring to it, eh? Baron Bri. Big Bri, the Baron. Baron von Beefy...

And all I have to do is keep eating.