Max

But first, meet Abner.

Some people name their private parts (pee-pees, hoo-hoos, hooters, what-have-you). Me, I've named my gut and butt: Abner Dunlop and Max. Well, Maximillion, really, the fat bastard son of Glutius Maximus... but just Max for short -- like Madonna, or Cher, or Sting or Bono. My rump will be just as widely known one day. It's not really psychosis that brought me to naming them. I pretty much HAD to name them. It'd be like if you gave birth to Siamese twins and just called them Bob. In a way, it was like giving birth, only without all the blood and screaming. Maybe more like gestation. Granted, they're not even a year old, but they're already eating all my food and ruining my wardrobe. I had to buy all new jeans and slacks because my waist size has shot up 3". Further, my "old" jeans are permanently creased at the waistand, folded in half between the hips and the fly because Abner, my fleshy friend, has run rampant over what used to be a swimmer's waist. I guess it still is a swimmer's waist -- swimming in gelatinous undulations of lard.

Don't get me started on the sebaceous sea monster that is Max.

Still, God bless Cheetos. I've even taking to eating them with a fork. In the quantity I consume at one sitting, it takes two to three hand washings to get that orange crap off my fingers. And with the fork I at least look more dignified when sucking down my preservatives and nitrates.

It was those three waist sizes ago that I destroyed my absolute favorite pair of bluejeans. I squeezed into them, somewhat shocked that they had shrunk in my dresser drawer (a phenomenon I blissfully attributed to an unusually humid week), and when I bent over THE METAL BUTTON ON THE JEANS BROKE IN HALF! Half flew off my body, spiraling away with a warbling whizz like a bullet tumbling from an M16, and the other half remained jaggedly embedded in the denim.

I was shocked, stunned. It certainly was motivational for me, though. The next day, for the first time in about a year, I got off my butt, put on my sneakers, embraced a beautiful sunny day outside, and went straight back to the store to return those jeans for full credit.