Rapidly Rappelling Down from Physical Peak

I used to be too skinny, now I'm too fat. When was I ever "just right?" Probably for the same 20 minutes in which I hit my sexual prime. I was probably cleaning the house or something, and Lo! I hit my optimum weight and sexual peak... swept away like dust off the baseboards.

J'ever notice that three out of the four letters in "diet" spell DIE? Something inherently wrong there. I try to stick to tuna, crackers, yogurt, assorted fish, popcorn and other tasteless treats sprayed with I Can't Believe It's Not Urine. That shit tastes like extract of crawfish or something... just not butter.

My waist isn't changing much, though. Disheartening. I complain that my arms and chest are getting smaller and my waist is staying the same, but Jane looks at my arms and says, "They're just more firm. You're getting cut, that's all." It's unnerving how she can look me straight-faced and lie like that. Makes me worry. Anyway, I know from cut. Cut means that the muscles are defined, casting shadows on the firm flesh below. I gotta step into my closet and turn off the light to cast a shadow on these arms.

I'm just achin' to get home and fix me a nice bowl of slightly brown mixed greens and watery tomatoes. Know what I mean?