The Rules

Bachelorhood: Perhaps I am living a lie. Maybe on the inside I am mourning its loss, while outwardly I maintain that I am still not married. “Oh, you’re married,” they say. Love that. I’ve been with Jane longer than most marriages last. Sure, it gets strained at times, but I’m trying to look on the bright side. As a man, there are certain privileges to being in a relationship. Smaller advantages include emotional support after “battle” or “loss.” Battle includes work. Loss includes an unfavorable outcome in a broadcast sports game or at the poker table. Larger advantages include the tax break you may get for being of the married condition. The really big advantages, the ones no one told me about are the crossover secrets. For example, I have a potpourri connection. You see, men can’t buy potpourri or quality scented candles in the store without risking injury. Cashiers keep small batons (something like Tazers or cattle prods) underneath the counter. If we’re suspect heterosexuals caught buying potpourri or scented candles, the cashier is allowed to stun us into submission. Upon the second offense, we may be taken into the back room and pistol-whipped. God help you if you like Cottenelle’s scented pastels. You know what men are allowed to buy? Glade – stankin’ urinal cake in a box. Pretty much any air freshener we are allowed to have must either be one generation removed from a urinal cake, must require electrical outlets to operate, or must be in a spray can labeled “disinfectant.” Bet you never knew that. It’s true. The same principles and punishments apply to other household accoutrements: flowers & vases, soap you can see through, children… all the stuff we’re not allowed to have without you, the woman.

Another thing we can’t have without you: Mistresses.

By nature, men are polygamous. Women are monogamous. Women must rule this society, since monogamous relationships terminating in marriage are still the standard. It’s unfair. Women want their men to change before they’ve even met them. Relationships form on the premise that they will either end unfavorably, or end in marriage. Unfavorably or unfavorably, from the male perspective. I can’t help it if I want to sleep with every woman I’m attracted to. I don’t do it, though. Why? Because women made the rules of this society. Yet, men are still, by a hair, the figureheads. Puppets, really. Women have made us to feel like uncivilized wretches that would sleep in our own excrement if not for them. Basically, women have won the battle of the sexes – over, by the time it started. No matter what the average successful man does in his youth, sooner or later some woman is going to tie him down and fuck him up. The only guys that haven’t lost the battle of the sexes have switched sides. They must be the double agents. Sure, some heterosexual men may attest that they prefer monogamy.

Check their closets – probably full of gay porn.

You know how women feel about shopping? About fudge? About pampering themselves? Yeah, that’s how guys feel about sex with multiple partners. It’s a validating, enjoyable experience, and we’d rather be doing it ALL THE TIME.

I’m willing to concede that the majority of divorces are caused by men, or at least initiated in some form by men. You see, men have to repress their alpha male urges to sow their seed throughout the land. Eve gave us the apple, and we became Johnny freakin’ Appleseed. Repressed, this bottled polygamist tendency manifests itself in other, ugly behaviors. We might become too critical, we may become slovenly, we may start to drink or eat too much, we may turn to team sports and violence or a combination of any or all of these. We develop little habits that annoy the hell out of you as a gender. You tell your girlfriends, “I never knew he _____,” or, “He didn’t _________ when we were dating.” We didn’t ________ before we dated you, either. It’s all behavior that materialized in some form during the course of the second date, when it looked like there’d be even more dates. From the first moment it appeared the relationship would be moving forward (read: after sex), we subconsciously sabotage it. So, just as you thought, “it” is our fault – whatever “it” is (‘cause frankly we weren’t listening). “It” is always our fault.

So, you’re right, and you win.

I am, of course, totally kidding.

That said, I’m going out, and I’ll be back when I get back, OK?

I mean, if that’s alright with you, dear.